Today was a long day, but still good. Esaias was cranky most of the day until we dropped him off at my mom’s. He fell asleep within fine minutes of being in the car. I swear, if he didn’t fight his sleep so much he would be the best baby. After we dropped him off, I went to the movies with my grandpa, brother, uncle and two cousins to see Iron Man 3. It was pretty good. I didn’t like the second one too much because I felt like it was a lot of action just for the sake of there being action, but this one was better. I was kind of disappointed with the skit after the credits, too. Usually they’re pretty excting, but this one was kind of lame. Anyway, after the movie we picked the baby up from my mom’s and came home and played for a little bit until he started rubbing his little eyes. Now we’re snuggling in bed and I’m about to pull out the Casual Vacancy. I only have about 100 pages left!

Today was a looong day. Esaias wouldn’t stop crying this morning for no apparent reason and it was just one of those mornings that everything went wrong. I took vitamins on an empty stomach and felt like crap, I tried to make a sandwich and the bread fell apart and made a big mess, I almost got stung by a yellow jacket IN MY KITCHEN, my taxes came back in the mail and I ripped my check. I ended up taking some anxiety meds and got super drowsy so bubba and I took a nap. My grandpa felt bad for me when he got home so he watched the baby so I could shower and we went to cash my check and went shopping. I got bubba a ton of clothes and toys and books and I got myself six new books as well. I also got bubba an Eric Carle foam play mat, it’s awesome. I spent a little more than I wanted to, but I still have a good amount left over so it’s no biggie. I needed some retail therapy after the stress I’ve been dealing with. Now my little man’s asleep so I’m gonna crack open a book before bed.♥

I’m so jealous of you guys with your happy, cute, little families. I love my son more than anything, but being a single mom can be pretty lonely sometimes.

Here’s the story of the worst five minutes of my life.
Esaias was sleeping on my chest while I was watching Sex and the City. I started felling pretty nauseous out of nowhere so I put him down on the bed and made sure his eyes were closed and ran to the bathroom. Mid-puke, I heard a blood-curdling scream so I ran to the bedroom and he was on the floor crying. Trying to suppress an anxiety attack and not throw up, I calmed him down and made sure he was okay and then I put him in his exersaucer, ran to the bathroom and got sick again.
Now I’m curled up on the couch while the baby plays. Grandpa’s getting me pho and I’m going to take a hot shower after I eat. That was just too much to deal with in such a short amount of time.

Such a mama’s boy.

Esaias and I were snugglin’ in the living room and my grandma wanted to hold him before bed. He started crying with three minutes of being with her, so I took him back and he was perfectly fine and smiling. I nursed him for a few minutes and snuggled him and he’s passed out.
My family makes fun of me for my attachment parenting style, but it’s really nice knowing that he feels safe and comfortable with me. I must be doing something right. ;]

Every morning I wake up and my first thought is, “Can I just not? My life hurts,” and then I look next to me and there’s this amazingly cute sleeping baby snuggling with me and it’s like someone put a band-aid on my heart.

[TW: self-harm]
This is what happens when my grandmother makes me feel like shot for taking my meds so I stop. I’ve had a constant migraine for four days now. I have no motivation to do anything. Every time Esaias cries I feel like my entire world is ending. Everything my grandfather says makes me want to punch him in the face. Honestly, though, if he told he hoped I didn’t have another kid when I was on my medication, it would hurt me then, too. I can’t even function properly right now. I can’t stop crying. I want to cut so bad and it’s taking everything I have to resist. I don’t want to do this anymore. I was an idiot for thinking I can handle this. Fuck.

Me, me, me.

Okay, so I keep saying that I’m going to make an “about me” post but I never get around to doing it because I’m never on my computer and I don’t do long text posts on my phone. Well, the baby’s sleeping and I’m actually on my computer for once, so here goes.

Hey new followers!! My name’s Erika Linn. I’m 22 years old and from the lovely Denver, Colorado. I have a son named Esaias Robert who is now four months old. He was born October 26th. He’s so lovely and he’s definitely the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m a single, stay at home mom. I currently live with my grandparents, which is great because I don’t know if I could do this completely on my own. I plan on staying home until Esaias turns one. I don’t like the idea of putting him in daycare at such a young age, so I’m just going to make it work until then. I’m all for attachment parenting. I co-sleep, co-bathe, baby wear and don’t let him CIO. I exclusively breastfeed. I use cloth diapers and disposables because my stash isn’t very big and I don’t want to have to wash his diapers every day. I selectively vaccinate. Now, just because I do these thing doesn’t mean I look down on mothers/fathers that don’t. As long as your kid is happy and healthy, then who is anyone else to judge?
Before I was a mommy, I worked a lot. I was in telemarketing for two and a half years before I went on maternity leave. It was the one job I said I would never do and it turns out it was the thing I was the best at. I guess I’m just a pretty good bullshitter. I also modeled occasionally. I’m still building my portfolio and as soon as I get my pre-pregnancy body back, I can pick that back up. I sing. I’ve been in too many choirs to count including women’s choruses, mixed choruses, a’capella and my local gay and lesbian chorus. I used to do some theatre and I plan on getting back in to that once I have more time on my hands. I feel most comfortable on stage, which is weird because I have major social anxiety. I’m a total mountain girl/beach bum mix. I love the outdoors. I like climbing, camping, hiking, and as much as it terrifies me, I love off-roading. When I’m on the coast, I never leave the beach. If I could move somewhere that had my mountains (and I mean mountains, not the hills that everyone else calls mountaints) and the beach, I would do it in a heartbeat. I read a lot. Not much as I would like to lately, but I still sneak it in here and there. My favorite books are Brave New World and the entire Harry Potter series. I read comics as well. I’m a total girly-girl, always playing with my make up and hair. It’s actually quite ridiculous. 

I know there’s a ton more that I could say, but nothing’s coming to my mind right now. Curious about anything else? Just ask! I love talking to you guys!!
  

Sometimes I miss my old life of getting high and drunk all day and just working and hanging out with my friends and chasing the next fun thing. And then I look at my son and wonder what I’ve been doing all my life.

I woke up today feeling so good. I have the world at my finger tips. I’m finally coming to the realization that just because I had a kid at a young age doesn’t mean I can’t still do a ton with my life. It just means I have someone to do it with. When I travel, I’ll be showing someone else the world as well. When I graduate from college and become what I want to be, I’ll have someone to share the excitement with. Sure, things may be harder, especially because I’ll be doing it on my own, but I’ll just get twice the rewards and feel that much better. I feel so focused, like I can see my path right in front of me. I’m so ready for this. :]

I feel like I’m losing a piece of my soul. I know the three of us have met in lives before and I can only hope that we’ll meet again and you’ll be healed. We found our peace, I hope you’re next. I only wish you would let us help. I miss you. I love you. I wish you the best. Until next time.

Oh. My. God.

The Used puts on such an amazing show. What a fantastic night. I haven’t been able to get in a pit in a year because of the pregnancy, but tonight definitely made up for it. I WENT INSANE. I may only be 5’4 and weigh 125lbs but I can fuck some shit up. I also got fucked up. I think I got kicked in the head by crowd surfers three or four times. My toes should definitely be broken. I head butted a couple people. The worst part, though, is my right boob. I was SUPER engorged and got elbowed at least ten times and kept getting shoved into people tit first. News flash: circle pits and breast feeding DO NOT mix. It was so worth it though. Bert was only about three feet away from me. Oh, happy day. My life is complete.
The best part of the night though? Getting to come home to my handsome little man. I love my life.

I am so frustrated right now. I don’t understand why people are the way they are. Everyone disappeared when I got pregnant. Am I really not fun to be around anymore? Jessica, you hung out with me, was a being a boring mom or something? Am I lame now because I don’t go out all the time and get drunk and fucked up on pills and blow? I mean, I have to be doing something wrong. The only people that even talk to me are my sister, my oldest friend Jenn and my other parent friends. I may not be able to go out, but people can still come over. Wanna have a movie night? Wanna drink some beer and watch the game? Come on over.
And I’m so tired of these lame ass guys always trying to lay the mac on without even getting to know me. I have a brain, you know. I have interests and dreams and goals. How about we talk about that instead of what you want to do in bed?
As amazing and fulfilling as it is, being a single mom is awfully lonely sometimes.

Can someone please explain to me why [insert sperm donors name here]’s sister is messaging me on Facebook? You have questions? Um, okay. Do I think Esaias looks like [insert sperm donors name here]? Yes. Oh, you think I’m wrong and that only a DNA test can prove it? Well, first of all, NO SHIT SHERLOCK. That’s why [insert sperm donors name here] were going to do a test until he got his sorry ass thrown in jail. Secondly, you are NOT messaging me just to ask questions and you are NOT just “stating your opinion”. I was an arrogant seventeen-year-old once too, sweetheart. I speak the catty ass language fluently and I can clearly tell that you’re just instigating a fight. And even if you were just stating an opionion, no one asked! Mind your own, kid. Go snort some more fucking drugs and go get caught like your shit head brother and leave me the fuck alone.
/endrant

Guys, I might not be on for a while because I’m going to be in jail for MURDERING someone. Every time Esaias cries the first thing I hear from my grandparents is, “He’s probably still hungry, the doctor’s going to tell you that you have to supplement, are you sure you’re making enough milk??” It’s taking every ounce of energy I have to not scream SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yes, he feeds often because he falls asleep when he’s eating. Yes, it takes longer for him to get as much as he would from a bottle. No, he’s not ALWAYS hungry. Babies cry for other reasons too, such as gas bubbles or simply being tired. I have had nothing but problems breast feeding, mestitis, raw nipples that won’t heal, ridiculous pain. The last thing I want to hear is that my child is still hungry. News flash: if I can still pump two ounces after he’s done eating, THERE’S NOT A PROBLEM WITH MY MILK. GTFO already.